


I Deserve to Be Happy

by coffeeandfeathers



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, The angstiest, takes place after Foggy leaves Matt's apartment in ep 10, vague mention of childhood sexual abuse but only if you look close, vague mention of eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 13:02:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3979036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandfeathers/pseuds/coffeeandfeathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt's thoughts after Foggy leaves him on the couch in Nelson v Murdock</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Deserve to Be Happy

Somewhere between Room 312 and Foggy’s abrupt exodus from his life, Matt had gotten used to being loved. His father loved him, sure, and the nuns loved him in their stiff, yardstick kind of way. Stick loved him in a way the others didn’t, a way that still dragged him out of sleep like a corpse from the thick black mud of a lake bottom and left him sick and gasping years after he left. But in that span of years, Matt grew accustomed to something simpler, something more nervous and gentler than anything he’d experienced before. It was scarier than the nuns’ love, even scarier than Stick’s hands yanking back the blankets in the middle of the night and pulling his ten-year-old charge from an already uneasy sleep.

“Foggy!” Matt couldn’t stand, couldn’t even sit up really, but he forced his screaming body into a vaguely upright position as his friend’s footsteps echoed down the hallway to the door. “Foggy!” He didn’t have to be able to see to know that Foggy didn’t look back, not even when he slammed the door behind him. The gouges in Matt’s stomach were white hot, the lump in his throat even moreso, and he swayed for a moment before easing himself back onto the couch, fighting the pain for consciousness. For a second, he thought he might heave up the nothing in his stomach, but he swallowed the taste of bile and focused on his pounding heart, slightly out of rhythm with the pulsing in his head and guts. He swallowed again, his gums aching around the teeth that Fisk had nearly pounded out of his head, and closed his eyes.

Foggy was the only person he could stand to talk to when he got low. Therapists just made him nervous and Stick would’ve just spat and nudged Matt with his boot if he found him lying on his dorm room floor, holding his pillow like a life preserver. That is, Matt thought bitterly, if he’d even bothered to stick around. But Foggy was different. Foggy was tender and gentle and soft, all the things Matt insisted on pushing away, and Foggy stayed anyway. Foggy was the one who found him hovering over the toilet in their bathroom, trying to force up the extra helping of dinner he’d had that night. Foggy was the one who took the rosary from his bruised, bleeding hands and took Matt into his arms and rocked him slowly, back and forth, while Matt sobbed about gluttony and overindulgence and guilt, so much guilt. Foggy was the one who let Matt cry into his neck until he was dehydrated and then Foggy was the one who took Matt’s face in his hands and told Matt to repeat after him.

“My name is Matt Murdock.”

“W-what are you doing?”

“Just say it. My name is Matt Murdock.”

“M-my name is… Matt Murdock.”

“I deserve to eat.”

“Foggy…”

“I deserve to eat.”

Matt exhaled. “I deserve to eat.”

Foggy ran his hands over Matt’s shoulders and brought Matt’s into his lap, rubbing Matt’s fingers between his. “It’s okay to be happy.”

“It’s okay to be happy.”

“I am a good person.”

“I…” Matt felt a lump rising in his throat. “I am a good person.”

“I’m also a huge fucking nerd and it’s cute as hell.”

“I’m… Shut up! That’s not fair!” Foggy’s face broke into a broad grin at this and he pulled Matt against him again, ruffling his hair.

“You’re okay, buddy. You’re safe with me,” he said, squeezing Matt against his chest before going for his belly.

“Foggy I know what you’re… Foggy no! Nohohohahaha stop! Stop or I’ll puke on you! I swear! Foggy!”

Matt would give anything for that now, for Foggy to hold him and tell him that he was okay, that he was safe and worthwhile and that it was okay for him to be happy. But Foggy wasn’t, and Matt wasn’t, and the pit in his belly widened at the thought. Matt pulled his arms in close, not realizing he’d been shivering, and opened his eyes. He ran one hand over his cheek, over his forehead and eyes and through his dirty hair.

“My name… my name is Matt Murdock. I deserve to be… oh God. I deserve to be safe.” Every syllable felt like it was being beaten out of him. “It’s okay to be… happy. I’m a good… a good…” He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t even make out his own voice over the tidal wave of sobs washing over him, breaking his ribs again with every convulsion.

“Foggy... Oh God. Oh god Foggy, I’m so sorry.” Matt Murdock, the devil of Hell’s Kitchen, buried his face in his pillow and cried alone.


End file.
